The Signature Thing

If Jimmy’s a genius, I’m U Thant.

Emma Stone as Guy “Shades” Patterson (Tom Everett Scott). That picture of her in the sunglasses! No-brainer.

And, I hope you noticed—Emma Stone/Kate Walsh keeps up the original doppleganger effect of Tom Hanks/Tom Everett Scott. That’s how much thought I put into this gender swap.

I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don’t mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Faye Dolan (Liv Tyler). The thing about that speech is that it could be so cheesy and cringeworthy, but Liv Tyler is just pure beating heart and she sells the hell out of it. I think Joseph Gordon-Levitt could do the same. He’s a little old; if we were still in the 10 Things I Hate About You era I’d be a tad more convinced of this choice. But he’s still boyish as hell, and there’s no doubt that he can play the hopeless romantic. And I have a feeling he’d have great chemistry with Emma Stone…

I keep coming back to The Herdsmen.

Leighton Meester as Jimmy Mattingly (Johnathon Schaech). Things Jimmy is: Gorgeous. Charismatic. Great singer. Control Freak. Kind of a giant asshole. He’s basically a humorless Blair Waldorf. I think very highly of Leighton Meester—she’s one of those actresses who I believe can really play any character in the book, but why not play to her strengths? Plus, one of the few good things about Country Strong was her singing, and I think she could belt out jaunty 60’s tunes just as well as country ballads.

I don’t want any of this lover’s lament crap. I want something peppy, something happy, something up-tempo. I want something snappy. 

Kate Walsh as Mr. White (Tom Hanks). I was really going back and forth between Kate Walsh and Julianne Moore up until the last second, and I was going to go with Julianne because I found these great photos of her in a suit. But my heart was saying Kate Walsh—she can be professional and tough as nails, but also has pitch-perfect comedic timing. She also has this latent sassiness that makes it’s easier for me to picture her as a music industry professional. So Kate, if you want to write, direct, and act in a remake of TTYD, you have my blessing.

Oh, there he goes off to his room to write that hit song “Alone in my principles.” 

Alia Shawkat as Lenny (Steven Zahn). I really dislike seeing Alia Shawkat play second fiddle, so it sort of hurts me to relegate her to comic relief—but let’s be real, Lenny gets all of the best lines. She’s the ideal combination of smartass and goofiness, plus has enough natural flirtiness to elope with a Playboy Bunny (or whatever the gender swap version of a Bunny would be).

Guys, Chad fell down.

Mae Whitman as TB Player (Ethan Embry). Who else could capture the nameless wonder that is The Bass Player like Egg? I mean, her?

(Oh fuck, I obviously didn’t proofread these when I was at work, and now I’m seeing all these typos in the quotes because I copy/pasted them from a shitty internet copy of the script—so that’s why “do” is capitalized and why the last one is missing the number crown that needs to be replaced. Ghetto to the max, that’s just how I roll.)

She fell in love with her dentist.

Chace Crawford as Tina (Charlize Theron). Credit for this one goes entirely to Madelyn. I wasn’t even going to do Tina, because she’s a relatively minor character and I couldn’t think of a dumb blonde dude. As soon as Madelyn mentioned the actor behind Nate Archibald, the dumbest blonde/trophy boyfriend currently on TV, I knew it was too perfect to skip.

That Thing You Do gender swap. Oh yes, it’s happening. I don’t care that I’m five days late with these meme, and that my graphics look like they were made in Microsoft Paint in 1996. (For the record, I have literally never used Photoshop before last week. I watched a tutorial on YouTube during my lunch break today, then stayed two hours after work to make these graphics. Towards the last few, I thought to myself, “Hey, these don’t look so bad! This isn’t so hard!” then I finished, looked at them all again, and wanted to die of embarrassment. I’m an amateur with a capital A. I’ve been saying that I would love to take an adult education class on Photoshop, but I really want to take a Fangirl Education class that’ll teach me how to make crackship graphics and amusing gifs. I know about 80% of Tumblr is qualified to teach that, so sign me up ASAP.)

Ok, enough self-effacement. Here’s my gender swap cast for the best movie Tom Hanks ever wrote, directed and acted in, That Thing You Do.